Army Brat
Posted on May 2nd, 2010 by ArmyBratThe first 17 years of my life were lived as a member of the Army “family” – a fact that I have spent much of my adult life trying to hide and disclaim. I was born in 1963 and my first continuous childhood memories are of my father being in Viet Nam. My mother was very proud of my father for his service and faithfully imparted this pride to me & my siblings. We were raised knowing that our actions must always be considered in the context of how they might reflect upon our father. We were always ready for inspection and in all ways we strove to do nothing to dishonor my father and the U.S. Army. This was part of the glue that held us together and it also caused much inner turmoil for me as I grew up and yearned to extricate myself from my role and create an authentic path. In recent years, I have been in a phase of re-visiting my childhood and my father’s service and have been seeing my life through a new lens, one that is refined with an adult’s heart and understanding. As I have re-lived my and my family’s experiences with particular focus on the painful ones, I have found a treasure on the other side: a surprising lightness of being has come with seeing things more clearly as they really were and are. My relationship with my family is closer than it has been in years – I feel like I can finally come home.
Join the Discussion!
Such beauty in seeing things through adult eyes…being able to shift out of the little child’s perspective…shaking off the roles that were necessary so long ago to maintain the family’s balance.
Would you tell us more about how you were able to get to this place? There must be many who grew up in military families who would benefit from your journey.
I’ve been thinking about the “how” I was able to get this place a lot over the past couple of days since I can still hardly believe that I have arrived here. There are so many ways to heal – this is what helped me. I have been on a focused healing journey for the past 6 years, but the first stirrings to begin this personal work were in the background almost another 5 years before then. Even though I had navigated through the practical steps of making a terrific life that looked good on the outside (a college education, a good job, a beautiful home, a loving partner, etc.), I still felt like I was about to jump out of my skin a lot of the time. Depression and anger seemed to visit me more often than the people who I admired and I can’t really say that I had any idea what a sense of well-being really meant (or felt like). My friends typically labeled me as “moody.” At the same time that I was really starting to believe that my low mood was terminal, I had begun to feel inexplicably drawn to learn more about meditation and yoga. It must have been some sort of grace that led me to these topics, because there was little in my background or reinforcement from my social circle to lead me in these directions. I also began to see a massage therapist regularly in hopes of reducing my stress level. I started to feel better, but also worse – it seemed that even more anxiety was coming up in reaction to the relaxation I was starting to experience in my own body. This experience led me back to psychotherapy – which I would not have otherwise considered after previously spending about 10 years with a few different therapists who I worked with just to get through the day to day struggles of living my life at that time. This time though my therapy experience was different. I began to re-examine my childhood and sort of re-experience some of the feelings that only make sense in a child’s world. With the non-judgmental, empathetic and loving support of my therapist, I began to release some of pain that I had held throughout my life, and I started to accept and love myself as I never could have imagined before. When I began to care about my own suffering I began to see and care about other people’s suffering, and especially that of my family. I wanted to know about their wounding and struggles and I started to ask them about their experiences when I was a child. I’m still asking – there is so much to learn – and my asking and listening seems to unburden them as well. I had no idea that any of this was possible when I started the journey a few years ago.
Being able to look at the emotions experienced as a child and viewing them from an adult’s perspective is such a huge step. What a relief it must have been when you realized that you are at least good enough, and that you have never been responsible for any suffering in your family.
You are bringing about incredible healing for yourself and your family.
The asking and listening is so crucial for this healing, and I salute your and your family’s courage in having these ongoing conversations. I’m just now working around the edges of this with my cousins.
I hope to learn more from you.