My Monster
Posted on March 31st, 2010 by DonnieI don’t really remember my dad before the war. My first memory of him was at the grave of my great aunt. He was really close to her. I must have been 4 years old. I remember him kneeling at her grave crying, and when I stepped on her grave that’s when I saw the monster. After Vietnam, he was stationed in Japan, and we moved there to be with him. These are my first memories of him. He was my hero. He was a monster. He was drunk a lot of the time. After about nine months, my mom had had enough, and moved us back to Kentucky.
I didn’t understand why we weren’t with my dad. I missed him. I was maybe 7 when he came home. He had a new wife. It wasn’t long and I had a half brother. I remember spending some time with my dad. He taught me to ride a skateboard, took me fishing, and took me for rides in some really fast cars. He got me into Cub Scouts and was my Scout Master. I saw the monster now and again, but was glad to have my hero again.
He was divorced again when I was 9. I remember being really sad the day he moved to Florida, I didn’t want him to move. My grandparents took my sister and I down to him, and we would spend weeks with him. By the time I was a teenager, I’d spend the whole summer with him. I remember one time he showed me some pictures when he was in Vietnam. I enjoyed seeing all his buddies, then his mood changed and he seemed sad, and quickly he put away all his pictures. Never again did he share his memories.
I went into the Navy just after high school; my dad said he’d shoot me if I joined anything else. His dad served on the USS Waters during WWII, and never shared his stories. I was the oldest son and grandson. I wanted to make them proud. My dad was a Seabee, I wanted so bad to be one, but the timing wasn’t right. Not until 7 years later, when I was finally a Seabee. I remember the day my dad gave me the duffel bag he had in Vietnam, it has a Seabee painted on it. He didn’t say he was proud of me, but I knew he was.
In 1997 I left active duty. My wife was pregnant with our first child, and I didn’t want my family to experience long deployments. I was raised by a single parent, and didn’t want my kids to have to experience that, even if it was 7 months at a time. The Naval reserve recruiter was giving me the run around, for like 3 months, so I joined the Georgia Army National Guard.
It wasn’t until I returned home, in May of 2004 from a year in Iraq, did I see why my dad was a monster. I had one growing in me too. I struggled with rage and depression for almost 7 months. I had become distant from my wife and family. The day that I snapped, and saw the pain I was causing my family, I realized I was becoming my dad, and knew that I needed help. The next day I was at the VA, trying to get help. Those were some dark days. I didn’t like how the VA was treating me, so I quit. I tried a couple of sessions with another counselor, but didn’t like what he had to say. I tried to just stuff it and keep this monster from coming out. I tried convincing myself that I was okay. I was faking big time. I didn’t work. I was watching the Bob Woodruff special, when they showed an IED exploding a Humvee. I completely freaked out, was crying, fast breathing and heart rate, and was shaking so bad. The next day I called another counselor. After a couple of months with her, she gave me a flyer of a study the Emory University was doing. I was in the first MBSR study, and this completely changed me.
My dad has had to deal with his monster. The VA has classified him as 100% disabled. I think my dealing PTSD, has been a bridge and helped my relationship with my dad.
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Your story reminds me of my prayer for all of us:
May each generation continue to evolve in our ability to understand the effects of war, how to heal ourselves from these effects, and how to live in ways that prevent future wars.
I had to leave my veteran husband after 31 years of trying to “fix” him. I tried so hard and thought if I was patient enough and loving enough, he would heal. But I had to realize that my presence in his life was actually keeping him from facing his demons….I was just another distraction, another addiction. When I realized how unhealthy this was and was no longer willing to be those things for him, he turned angry and bitter, as he judged that I, too, was someone he couldn’t count on…yet another rejection and disappointment in his life.
I am so happy for you and other veterans that have recognized their need and finally found some ways to move towards healing. I wish with all my heart that my former husband could find the same. I am thankful for organizations such as VHG that provide the space for listening and healing.
Donnie’s story is powerful and heart rending. I am a Viet Nam veteran who has struggled with symptoms of PTSD for over 40 years. Donnie mentioned that he struggled with rage and depression as many veterans do after combat experiences. As I look back over my life I wonder how I managed to bury my dark feelings and my anger! I know now that, without help, I was unreachable. And for thirty years I was too much of a “man” to find help. Now, when I see a movie like “Hurt Locker”I realize that, like SSG William James, I was a changed person after Vietnam. Anger, bad memories, emotional swings, and a loss of faith in most things ruled my life. I self medicated with alchohol and sex. Today I have been helped by learning to face anger head on, to embrace it as a natural part of myself. When I am able to do that my anger dissolves. I’ll have more so say later. I hope you’ll join the party!
Donnie,
Your story is very heart rending and I know from the way you write that it comes from a very tender place in your heart.
Please, tell more of the MBSR study @ Emory if you can. I’m a Viet Nam vet & see several things in your story that mirror mine and others. I am just so glad that you got some help before it was too late.
Donnie – your story convinced me to add my story here too. I too “became my father”, however I’d had no combat experience, other than living at home. And I also grew to understand my dad through my own acting out and recovery. I began seeking help in 1986, and healed a great many holes inside, still, recently, I’ve been having nightmares and memory flashes again. So thank you for showing yourself – it gave me the courage to begin once again.